The Terl Awards: Worst of the Worst in 2008

God, what a shitass year it has been for our country. Economic meltdown, a depressing election cycle, and the rise of the boy band Jonas Brothers signifying that our taste in music is continuing its sad decline. How fitting that our President Elect, whom everyone seems to love for reasons unbenownst to myself, throw up a nonchalant Shaka while everyone else got a pink slip for Christmas and a massive diplomatic crisis is underway in the Middle East. Under normal circumstances, you'd think it couldn't get much worse, but just wait what 2009 has in store.

To commemorate our nation's annual malaise, I present you with the Terl awards. You are probably asking who or what the fuck is "Terl". He's John Travolta's character from the colossal dud of a movie Battlefield Earth, pictured below center with cod piece.
As far as movies go, Battlefield Earth (with an abominable 3% on the tomatometer) is like Howard the Duck times Ishtar to the Gigli'th degree. It really represents everything crappy about America. A bumbling pack of lummoxes with a pushy, agenda-driven movie that has way too big a budget and no sense of humor. In that spirit, here's the worst of the worst in 2008.

Worst Occupation in America - Wall Street Exec/Politician: They seem to be one in the same these days. It was bad enough that these greedy boobs had to ruin the world economy by pushing a endless stream of bunk loans that assumed home prices were going to go up forever. But then they had to rip off the American taxpayer to continue their failed business model, and in typical politico fashion, the bailout bill was loaded up with enough pork to feed a Hawaiian army. The bailout's defenders in the media seem to be suspiciously involved with the major banks, and the conventional wisdom is that not wanting to bail out all these yahoos makes you a "neo-Hooverite". WTF. I'd rather live in a trailer in Sheboygan, Wisconsin because of a collapsed real estate market than be some serf to the power class that we all have become.

Worst Campaign - McCain/Palin: I'm a Navy officer guy like McCain, and me and him both supported Teh Surge! , so you would assume I'd vote for him come election day. But the guy just got really creepy as the campaign went on. There were gaffes galore, including justification for staying 100 years in Iraq by saying it would be similar to Germany/Japan (uh, no), and then he had to pull off dumb stunts like flying into DC to "save the economy". Then he picked Palin. Great, just what America needed, another super-religious governor that knew nothing about foreign policy to prove to the world that we are a nation of embarrassing imbeciles.

Worst Movie - The Day the Earth Stood Still: Right when a nasty cold front swept the nation leaving everyone from Vegas to Maine freezing their keesters off, Hollyweird had to release a pushy movie on the evils of mankind's ways that only an alien Keanu could redeem. If only global warming was working in that ticket line, I damn near got frostbite.

Worst Blog - The Huffington Post: If you ever wondered what self-righteous, limousine-liberal celebrities have to say about "the little people", look no further than The Huffington Post. See Roseanne preach anti-semitism with poor grammar, see people who don't know shit about the military advocate major changes in our Department of Defense, and see shameless aggregating to boost hit counts in action. LA socialite-cum-Obama worshiper Arianna Huffington also came out with a book this year in which blogs are hailed as the most important place to get information since "Tom Paine". If the Huffington Post is the "new media", we'd probably be better off using carrier pigeons.

Worst Moran - Naomi Wolf: In order to shill copies of her lame book, Naomi Wolf tried to indicate on NPR that 3ID, under the command of NORTHCOM, was going to institute an "October Surprise" so Bush could stay in power through martial law. This was long after Jason Sigger debunked this ridiculous claim, but I think some whackos on the left still wanted to believe it was going to happen to confirm their delusional conspiracy theories. Unless I was executed in the civil unrest, and the last two months have actually been a strange Pincher Martin-like hallucination in purgatory, I don't think the "surprise" happened. She'd be better off trying to push her other wildly popular ideas, like why wearing a hidjab/headscarf is actually "quite intimate" and how pornography is destroying society.

Worst Scandal - Hot Rod Blagojevich: You know, on Christmas Day in 1989, Romania's notorious communist couple (the Ceausescus) were executed on public television for crimes against humanity. No fuss, no muss. Have we somehow regressed in how we as a world deal with tyrants? I'm not saying an eternal dirtnap for Rod's hair is in order, but this asshole is sure making a mockery of democracy with some pretty obvious evidence against him.

Worst Internet Phenomenon - LOLcatz: The FAIL meme was funny. Stuff White People Like was funny before the guy totally sold out. LOLcatz should be relegated to the background of a 12 year-old's MySpace page...and I'm a cat guy! Maybe I'm just not sophisticated enough for this kind of humor. Why the fuck would a cat be on a phone anyways?

Worst Prediction - Sadr and Iran will Control Iraq: Back in March when Prime Minister Maliki decided to take down the Mahdi Army, there was predictably a period of conflict in Sadr City and Basra where the thugs were entrenched. As the coalition and the Iraqi Army took the fight to the streets, the anti-war zealots took the opporutunity to slam Bush with the rhetoric, saying that embassy personnel were going to have to be helicoptered off Saigon-style. That was in March, and now you don't hear much from Sadr anymore and most of the Mahdi Army dudes are dead, detained, or in exile...of course you don't hear much about Iraq at all from the pundit class or the media these days. Count that as a blessing. This event conveniently coincided with the 4000 KIA in Iraq, which some on the left (see the worst blog above) used as an opportunity to cash in on the political Bush-bash punditry at the expense of dead soldiers. Anything goes in an election season, I guess. But don't you dare question their patriotism or their "support of the troops". Maybe if they took off their dogmatic anti-war blinders, they could have figured out what was really going on.

Worst Under-reported Story in the Media - Mexico Drug Cartel Wars: America has long had cultural ties with our neighbor to the south (ever been to L.A.?), but our media has been completely ignoring the disturbing rise in violence due to drug cartel violence. Death tolls that dwarf Afghanistan violence continue to rack up, grenade attacks occur in the streets, but these stories get sent to the back pages of the paper somewhere near the Family Circus cartoon and the ambulance-chaser ads. There certainly isn't any serious discussion of revamping our drug policy to prevent the slaughter. The media often complains that reporting in a conflict zone is expensive and takes too much time. C'mon guys, I used to drive down to Tijuana on a Saturday for cheap drinks while unsuccessfully seeking out the "El Burro" show. You don't even have to stop when you drive south across the border...seriously you just have to slow down as the Mexican border police wave you through! Would it be that difficult to get a "crack journalist" with a notepad and few pesos down there?

Worst Viral YouTube Video - Yes We Can by Will.i.am: This video is pretty much the embodiment of every annoying, self-righteous attitude about Obama supporters. There is no reason to believe that any politician in today's system is anything but a power-hungry crook who would sell out their own grandmother for a few votes from whatever the special interest dishing out the most money was that day. But, oh no, not my Obama, he's different! Uh, change or something. If this guy is anything short of the second coming of Jesus Christ bearing free iPods and Whole Foods gift certificates, there is going to be some serious buyer's remorse in this country.

In conclusion, everything is pretty fucked. Buy canned foods and dig a fallout shelter in your backyard.

Thank You Readers: Results of the Political Compass Poll

Thank you all for taking the political compass quiz to gage the political associations of this blog's readership. The internet provides an interesting opportunity for people from various demographics to voice their opinion at very little cost and with very little effort. However, political blogging has become too polarized along party lines in many cases, thereby making it as dull and predictable as a press release from whatever party happens to be swarming cyberspace that day. Generally, I write from a pro-market, pro-military, anti-"modern liberal" point of view, often in a manner that some might deem a tad "offensive" if you aren't in agreement. This is for the purpose of soliciting comments and interest in the links provided in a provocative manner and it often spawns opposition, which is good. I also try to throw in some humor now and then so that people don't get bored with the place and that they keep coming back. I'm glad you're all so opinionated and I believe it keeps things interesting in a world with a questionable future where politics plays such an important part. You can be assertive about your views, razz people who don't agree with you, and it's all in fun and games. I've only had to kick off 1 commenter during my year-long blogging adventure because he threatened to beat up one of the other commenters. It goes to show that you can respectfully disagree without having to resort to absolute douchey "let's kiss and make up" type nonsense. Keep up the good work and thanks for all the visits.

Anyhoo, here's how everybody weighed in.

[Left-Libertarian Quadrant, 12 Total]: MezzoSF (-4.0/-0.7), Barrage (-6.3/-3.6), Sisu (-2.9/3.1), CathCatz (-5.0/-4.1), Jess Roxx (-6.0/5.7), ABWF (-2.0/-2.9), Gecko (-3.3/-3.0), Liz (-6.0/-5.4), Wek (-3.5/-4.3), Brandon Friedman (-4.8/-6.2), Arli (-4.1/-3.9), Ms. Kiyum(-3.0/-5.4), Logically Locked (-4.6/-4.3)

[Right-Libertarian Quadrant, 12 Total]: M (1.5/-2.4), LT Nixon's Mom (8.5/-4.5), SubRookie (3.8/-0.4), ibelieveinlifeafterlove (4.8,-2.7), A-Ro (0.5/-3.5), Amagi (4.3, -4.1), Randy K (4.5/-0.1), Blendy (0.6/-5.2), Mike (7.4/-4.5), Antoinette (0.3/-3.4), DaveC (1.6/-2.7), Me (3.1/-2.9)

[Right-Authoritarian Quadrant, 8 Total]: Kevin Gregory (4.3/0.5), Consul Clemens (5.8/3.9), Mike (5.3/2.0), OlGreyDog7 (0.0/1.4), 509th Bob (2.5/1.2), Caroline (1.8/2.6), Brandon (5.7/2.8), Desert Sailor (1.3, 2.1)

Obviously, everyone has a different opinion, but these are my own generalizations:

Left-Libertarians perceive corporations as untrustworthy actors in modern society for causing damage to the environment and seeking only to line their own pockets. They are much more interested in the power of everyday citizens to end poverty, promote social justice, and create a more peaceful civilization through mutual understanding. Being more libertarian, they are tolerant of other people's lifestyles and think that the government is trying to curtail their freedoms. Modern issues they more than likely support are a more fair healthcare system, ending the Iraq war because it was waged for the benefit of a small group of powerful people, and they are slightly disturbed that Prop 8 passed in CA even though Obama won the election. Famous Left-Libertarians include Gandhi and the Dalai Lama.

Right-Libertarians perceive corporations as beneficial to society because they aid the common good through efficient techniques that provide services/goods for the least amount of resources. They are interested in policies and abstract ideas that provide increased wealth, peace, and prosperity. In general, they view the government as a complicated, bureaucratic mess that promotes bad ideas because it can readily secure its power by curtailing people's natural rights. Being Libertarians, they are tolerant of others lifestyles, but realize that some people are just inherently more brilliant thinkers and doers than others. Modern issues they more than likely support are an end to the bailout madness, despair over the slow corrosion of our Bill of Rights, and they are very curious about how Obama will govern the nation during these hard times. Famous Right-Libertarians include Thomas Jefferson and Ayn Rand.

Right-Authoritarians perceive corporations as beneficial to society because they provide economic stability for our nation, and that leaving them, for the most part, unregulated is what's best for America. They are interested in law and order, national strength, and patriotism to provide a bulwark due to the moral/economic decay of other nations and more degenerate parts of our own country. In general, they view the government as a necessary evil that must do what it has to do to keep America from perishing. They are supportive of our current foreign policy, because they believe that 9/11 was so egregious, that we needed to act to prevent similar attacks. They can also be very interested in faith and believing that they are living their life correctly. Modern issues they are more than likely to support are succeeding in Iraq, keeping their taxes low, and they are deeply concerned by this newfound "Hope and Change" foolishness. Famous Right-Authoritarians include Dwight Eisenhower and Abraham Lincoln.

Of course, if you want to be a dick, you can always say this:

Left-Libertarians are low-life hippies driving around in Volvos with 17 Obama bumper stickers for every square foot of aqua-blue metal. Supporting their terrorist friends through mass protests against our troops when they should be out getting a damn job. Living in trash-strewn urban hellholes so they can attend art shows where they burn wax Jesuses on stage...with federal funding! An endless tirade of sexual hedonism and "feel-good" slogans where they can wash away all their responsibilities by getting an abortion the next day at Planned Parenthood. Teaming up with union bosses and trial lawyers to steal money from decent Americans while they advocate cop-killers from being freed from prison. Famous Left-Libertarians include Charles Manson and Bill Ayers.

Right-Libertarians are the weirdos at the end of the block who own 20 assault rifles because they think the U.N. is stealing their mail from the local militia. Cooking up meth in rural areas of America so they can save enough money to get a ride on the Ron Paul blimp. A dangerous obsession with anime and science-fiction, these grown up nerds can usually be found cruising Hannah Montana websites to search for their sexual prey on a Saturday night because they have nothing better to do except for possibly ranting against the government. The fact that Lt. Nixon's Mom spawned a child with the same political leanings is a good argument for publicly funded contraception. Famous Right-Libertarians include Timothy McVeigh and Ed Gein.

Right-Authoritarians are the rich assholes who go to church every Sunday followed by taking their snotty little kids to the golf course in their massive SUVs that choke up the planet. They are criminals for who supported the Iraq War because they had all of their money invested in Hallibruton and their whale-killing yacht has big "Bush/Cheney" sticker. They only support because he torturing brown people and they all masturbate to Fox News. Famous Right-Authoritarians include Richard Nixon and Mr. Burns.

It's too easy to portray groups of people one way or another, and it's much more difficult to hear out every individual's opinion, but ultimately beneficial. The Political Compass Quiz provides some insight, but the modern era is almost so complex you might get yourself in trouble quickly making broad assumptions about anybody. However, huge polls like this can often show which way society is trending or what its baseline is. But enough rambling, here's a blinged out political compass quiz...for the memories.
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CPAC-Iraq 2008: Get Your War On!

CPAC 2008 is just around the corner from Feb. 7-9th, promising to celebrate all things conservative in the Washington D.C. area. The Young Republicans of Virginia call it "WITHOUT QUESTION, THE SINGLE GREATEST MOMENT IN HISTORY" (notice how it's in all caps emphasizing the sheer importance!). Personally, I'm totally stoked that such a meeting of the minds will take place, but I must admit, I feel a little left out since I'm "Stuck in Iraq" as the old adage goes. So I got to thinking, why not host my own CPAC out here to get a meeting of the minds from back on the homefront together in the Green Zone, located in beautiful Baghdad. It's called CPAC-Iraq 2008: Get Your War On!

I did the photoshopping myself!

• Reasons for CPAC-Iraq: With a country seemingly losing interest in the long war to focus on more important issues like changing the constitution to define "marriage", Hillary Clinton's latest fundraising hoopla, and government handouts so people can go shopping at Walmart, I felt a strong desire to educate the youth of our country. Looking at the student agenda for that other CPAC wasn't helping quell my dispositions that our nation's youth were in trouble. I first became concerned with my generation while viewing Max Blumenthal's video "Generation Chickenhawk", which highlighted that youngsters thought they could stand by on the sidelines and watch worldwide terrorism go unchecked. Youngsters need to learn that slapping a ribbon on their car isn't helping any. Even though the young lass at ~1:05 in the video is a total babe, I assure you, General Order #1 ensures those in uniform have the highest moral standards and this is not a big scam to meet chicks. I'll also make sure the finest refreshments trucked in from Kuwait are provided.

No shortages of cold bottled water at this CPAC!

• Gettin' Smart: Now I understand your "commie" professors don't like to talk about the war on terrorism, some of them probably say it's all a big Bush/Cheney conspiracy, so I'll help you get educated on that subject so you can fight back. Iraq is chocked full of terrorists such as Al-Masri, ringleader of Al-Qaeda Iraq, who likes to use kids even younger than you as suicide bombers. There's also these guys called Special Groups who are into some nasty things that are like "way uncool!". Plus, as an added bonus, I'll walk you around the Green Zone and you can see all the ridiculous crap Saddam built himself while his people languished in poverty. Now, I've got to work during that weekend, but I'll have a 103-page Powerpoint slide for you (in true staff weenie fashion) to show off in the evening. To keep y'all occupied during the daytime, I have a most excellent bootleg DVD collection in my hooch.

Battlefield Earth is really good the 6th time you watch it

The Iraqis starved to death for decades and all they got was this lousy Saddam head

• Better Public Speaking: When you use words like "Islamofascist" or "Culture War" you might send some of the more moderate members in our alliance against extremists running to the hills! Hell, even David Horowitz, one of the keynote speakers at the other CPAC, called presidential candidate Ron Paul an Islamofascist, what's that supposed to mean? Take it from a Marine, Major General Gaskin, who's wrapping up a very successful tour in Anbar Province: "They respect and trust us, and we respect and trust them."
  

Not every Muslim is an "Islamofascist", learn from those that know

• No Ethical Conundrums like CPAC 2007: Now, I heard about all the lies the leftistas were trying to spread last year about the Marine, Matt Sanchez, being a former gay-porn star by the swingin' handle of Rod Majors. He was embellished with praise at CPAC '07, even though respected neo-con, Ann Coulter, used the word "faggoty" during a speech. Not to worry! LT Nixon's no homophobe, and everyone's sexual orientation is really none of my business. I even respect Matt Sanchez as a milblogger and understand sometimes you gotta make ends meet.
  

No conflict of interests this year!

So all you folks partying it up out in college, take off those togas and strap on your body armor w/kevlar and fly on out to Baghdad. This will be the sweetest CPAC yet!

Disclaimer: Once in a while people in the military like jokin' around, if you think this is for real, you truly have no soul.